If your name's not on the list, you're not coming in.

Delbut, Chris & Gary. The Red Cross' finest.

As we are so badly paid working for a major, world-wide charity, the Property department's building surveyors have taken to moonlighting as "Event security" in the evenings and weekends to support their poor, poverty stricken families.

We are trained in the following:

Manning the doors. - We don't do front doors, just back doors.

Handing out ticket stubs so you can leave your coat in the lobby. -We don't actually take the coats, just hand out the tickets. The coats will be handled by our specially trained "coat operatives"

Having curly wires stuffed in our ears, giving the impression we are in contact with an anonimous "head of security" (that will be George, who is not in this picture as he had to go somewhere with his wife. The poof)- Actually, we use Ipod earpieces (in Chris's case, the earpiece is his deafaid coz he's old and decrepit.)

Customer care. - We have modified our invoice authorisation stamps and will stamp all your guests on the forehead for ease of recognition. For regular patrons, we can organise an indelible stamp -probably a tattoo.

Standing at the bar looking hard and talking into our sleeve cuff.

Locking up after everyone has gone home.

And, as we are building surveyors, we can leave a list of all the damage caused to your venue following the event. I.e. blocked drains due to fag-butts down the urinals (mostly by me); holes in the wall where we have had to put someone's head through it.

Events covered:

Weddings, Bithday parties (up to the age of 14 or those from 65 onward -nothing in between), Christenings, Pub quizes, B-B-Q's,garden parties, village fetes and our speciality, shop openings.