If your name's not on the list, you're not coming in.

Delbut, Chris & Gary. The Red Cross' finest.

As we are so badly paid working for a major, world-wide charity, the Property department's building surveyors have taken to moonlighting as "Event security" in the evenings and weekends to support their poor, poverty stricken families.

We are trained in the following:

Manning the doors. - We don't do front doors, just back doors.

Handing out ticket stubs so you can leave your coat in the lobby. -We don't actually take the coats, just hand out the tickets. The coats will be handled by our specially trained "coat operatives"

Having curly wires stuffed in our ears, giving the impression we are in contact with an anonimous "head of security" (that will be George, who is not in this picture as he had to go somewhere with his wife. The poof)- Actually, we use Ipod earpieces (in Chris's case, the earpiece is his deafaid coz he's old and decrepit.)

Customer care. - We have modified our invoice authorisation stamps and will stamp all your guests on the forehead for ease of recognition. For regular patrons, we can organise an indelible stamp -probably a tattoo.

Standing at the bar looking hard and talking into our sleeve cuff.

Locking up after everyone has gone home.

And, as we are building surveyors, we can leave a list of all the damage caused to your venue following the event. I.e. blocked drains due to fag-butts down the urinals (mostly by me); holes in the wall where we have had to put someone's head through it.

Events covered:

Weddings, Bithday parties (up to the age of 14 or those from 65 onward -nothing in between), Christenings, Pub quizes, B-B-Q's,garden parties, village fetes and our speciality, shop openings.

It's that time again

The Who are on tour. Yippee. Tickets are expensive. Booo.I have to re-mortgage the house and put the kids into service with the local pimp to pay for the fucking things. That's if you can get them in the first place. No sooner have Ticketbastard.co.uk sold out, scalpers on ebay are offering them at extortionate prices. How the promoters allow this is beyond me.

Take a leaf out of Robbie Williams' book and make them available through The Who's site and get people's names typed on the ticket to stop this.

Anyway, as stupid as i am, i will be going to Liverpool and Bristol to see them and now have to earn some money to pay for it.

Disregarding the kids being available ( i think that's illegal) I will now be offering my body for the following.

* Sex -any blind person needing a shag -i'm ready. Or if needed for a S&M club i could bring the drinks around in PVC hot pants.
* Science - any doctor needing a body part for an up-and-coming transplant leave a message but keep in mind the following caveats.

Lungs -slightly tarnished with smoke.
Liver -still slightly tipsy due to Guinness -should dry out within a week.
Bladder- works ok but a bit full as I type this. Wait a minute...Ok, empty now.
Brain - I have one of sorts but I suggest not giving it to another scientist or similar academic.
Heart- Yes I have one but it belongs to someone else. (throws up in nearest bucket at the sentimentality)
Penis - This must go to someone/something really deserving. I.e. elephant, retiring racehorse, porn star etc. It would be a waste on anything else. (if anyone i know reads this they will not recognise the above description)

* Museum - Welsh museum of natural life, if you are interested, i can stand still for long periods and not smile when children poke me. (even without a stick up my arse)


So, you lucky people, give me a shout and grab what you want while it still functions.

Then again, i could always advertise on Ebay.

St Dwynwen

It's valentine's day today. In Wales we also have our own version: St Dwynwen's Day.(26th January) She is the patron Saint of Luurve.

Instead of giving cards,flowers,chocolates,blowjobs etc., to celebrate we have certain courting rituals, which are centuries old.

The women must (in order to demonstrate their feelings for us men):

Ride a donkey naked accross the village green -backwards- while singing, "Does my Ass look big in this?" (popular Welsh folk song c.1205 (that's a date, not the time))

Once the Donkey has tired, the lady has to milk it and offer the proceeds to her lover's nephew's uncle. If he chooses not to slurp from the bucket of love, then her advance can not...advance any further without the intervention of the courts.

If he does partake in the creamy libation then she can then dance the dance of the merry virgin, the steps of which are closely watched. This is because if the lady isn't a virgin then it will be possible to tell so from the movement in her hips. One wrong move and it's all over.

The men, on the other hand, have to demonstrate his intentions by putting Daffodils in every orifice, wrapping himself in the leaf of the leak and tying it with baling twine. He is then delivered by horse and trap to the rear entrance of her mother's house and once unwrapped, dangling his knob out while jumping on one leg.

I don't know the outcome if this doesn't work as there are no recorded failiures! Come on, how could you girlies refuse that?

Anyway, here is a picture of St Dwynwen. Obviously, she is still able to dance the dance of the virgin; who'd give that one?

Tagged

Molly, love her sweet heart, "tagged" me the other day. This means that you have to list 5 interesting "facts" about yourself. I know it's not law but i thought i'd join in anyway.

1) Up until the age of 16, i had an imaginary dog called Fido. Fido came with me everywhere -including school. Fido tended to get me in trouble but i managed to fool some of the more... stupid teachers into believing that Fido was real. I would bark, open the door, and let Fido out of the classroom at regular intervals. Some of the teachers would open the door to see where the dog had gone. D'oh.
When i was about 7, we were on our way on holiday when i made my Dad stop, open the door of the car, and let Fido in because i had forgotton him.

2) I had the chance of a promising career as a professional football player. Playing in the local league, i was "spotted" by a scout from Cardiff City and asked for trials. Long story short, i didn't go because i was on holiday. Reality is, i had found cigarettes, drink, and shagging. I was also hanicapped with a burst eardrum from a smack around the head from my Maths teacher "Killer" Curtis. No doubt i was being cheeky but i have always blamed it on Fido. That fucking dog.

3)I once kissed a bloke -tongues and everything. In my defence, i did know the bloke and we are still good friends. Some of you more broadminded people out there will say, that's cool, being gay is ok. If only it was like that. The reason we did it was we tried to get two girls to kiss and they said, only if you do first. Being rather perverted and pissed, we agreed. Needless to say, they didn't keep their side of the bargain.

4)When on a drinking binge in Swansea one night. Our minibus had left without me and my mate. (the one mentioned above) While we were working out how to get home (some 20 miles away) i was caught short in the toilet department. Not a wee wee but a dump. (english vernacular for shit). Anyway, no public toilets available but plenty of boats in the harbour. I climbed aboard and did the business over the side. In the meantime my mate had gone walkabout, found a wallet with £30 in it.

So two apologies. If you returned to your boat one morning only to find your flag was used as toilet paper; or if you lost a wallet and £30 -sorry.

5) It's my birthday today and i'm 47. I hate having birthdays apart from the pressies and getting spoilt.My brain feels 27, but my body feels 57. I have one shaved leg, a bald patch (not a big one though)dodgy knees, i smoke too much and don't drink enough. I have good friends, a great family and life at the moment is good.

Sorry for the boring facts but i did warn people that i'm not that interesting.