My Mum is mental

Christmas day is over and today is Boxing day. If my Dad was still alive he would have been 80 today so my thoughts are with him. He died 4 days into the new millennium following a stroke on New Year's day, 2000.

That's the maudlin bit over.

My Mum, Marj, who lives next door to me with my Sister and Nephew, is 76 in January and she is a nutter. Not in a medically recognised way but you know what i mean.

I took these photo's today because they bring to mind what my Father had to go through on a daily basis living with Marj.

Marj likes nothing better than to potter in the garden or take a saw to things -even better if she can take a saw to things in the garden. You can often find her trundling down the garden path -tooled up- to cut things in half.

To my Dad's chagrin she would also enjoy sawing things in the house -not take things into the house and saw them to bits - but saw things that belonged in the house.

If the table in the kitchen rocked a little she would not prop something under the one leg, oh no, she would saw the other 3 legs instead.

Dad had gone out instead of mowing the lawns. This made Marj mad and when Marj is mad out comes the saw.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, my Dad expected the bed to be in tact when he came home and instead, it was about a foot lower and as he went to get in, it wasn't where he expected it to be and promptly fell in, rather than slink in.
"Tell me it's lower because you just took one mattress off and we can make it better in the morning", he said.
"Ah", she replied.
"You sawed the legs off, didn't you?" , he said.
"Yup", she said.

Happy xmas to all my readers

Not blogged for a while and had hoped for something a tad more interesting/funny to post but that will have to wait til next time.

So you'll have to do with a simple xmas message.

I hope you all have a good Christmas but if you don't subscribe to that -for any reason - then enjoy the holiday and let those of us who subscribe to the overly-hyped bullshit do so, and let us enjoy calling it Christmas too and not some insidious P.C. alternative.
















I promised Molly i would put up a photo of the tree so here it is.
In the top one, you can just about make out Alice in her ballet gear in the photo on the wall.

The other photo is of : Alice, my wife Sarah and Rosie.

It's not every day...

It's not every day you get overtaken by two loaves of bread when driving on the M4. But yesterday was my day.

There I was trundling along the outside lane of the M4 just outside Bristol when the car in front broke down. I stopped and waited to get in the middle lane when all of a sudden, two loaves of bread went past. I kid you not. A blue loaf of bread and a red loaf of bread doing about 60 mph.

Like any other normal person would at 8:30 in the morning, I put it down to tiredness and old age and made a mental note to revisit the optician.

Lo and behold, when my lane got moving again, I passed them; only this time the red one was in front.

The "loaves of bread" were in fact VW camper-style vans done up complete with idiotic looking people driving them.

So I checked -as you do -their web site. Look what I found. If nothing else, I can now postpone the trip to the head doctor. Turns out you can win a chance to drive one. Yeah, right. I'd rather stick a banjo up my arse - round end first.












Oh, before I forget. You tossers out there who work for the Highways department. It took me 4 fucking hours to get to west London yesterday instead of the normal 2 1/2 .

This is because you idiots have collected the most cones you can find and arbitrarily put them along the hard shoulder for as many miles as you can, thus slowing the traffic down to a crawl along most of the 150 mile stretch. And why? So you can carry out work to put up driver information boards, which will tell us there are delays due to slow-moving traffic! How Englishly ironic is that?

When the work is done, we can now be happy in the knowledge that we are not moving anywhere because it will be written on a board the size of Kent. I have news for you: WE ALREADY KNOW WE ARE NOT MOVING -Arse Wipes. If you have our interests at heart, put a movie on the fucking things and turn the M4 into a drive-in movie carpark; I could have watched the Lord of The Ring trilogy the time I spent in the carpark yesterday.

P.S.

If you do turn it into a drive-in, can we have some large-breasted women offering snacks at frequent intervals, please?

Oh Crap

You'll have to forgive the last blog, not exactly a professional lay out of photo's ay?

Basement Jam

Elena Perez kindly sent me these photos all the way from Madrid, Spain. Elena has not got a blog but wanted to share these with you.

BTW Elena is the one in the photo with Simon.

Thanks Elena.

I Hate London Rant.

Nah, not really; London is an o.k. place, it's just the taxi drivers who are wankers.

We now have 24 hour opening in some pubs in the U.K. but do you think i could find one in London on Wednesday? Correct -no. So after being forced to leave the pub at 11pm, we tried flagging a taxi down to take us into Soho. There's more chance me growing breasts.

So to all you taxi drivers in London land, the home of people who don't speak to each other, fuck you, i went home not pissed(drunk) enough thanks to you.